I am not . . .
OK, it has been a while since I blogged, but today I am feeling a little inspired. I am struggling mightily, again. Guilt. All the mistakes of the past. All the mistakes of the present. Guilt. I was listening to some music this morning, trying to focus on praise, when a song came on talking about how much I was forgiven. And grace washed over me, again. I am forgiven. Right there in the laundry room, while folding to mountains of clothes, I said it, out loud - "Go away, Satan, and take your guilt with you! I am forgiven, and that is all there is to it!" Peace. Followed quickly by my usual need to find a friend of my childhood. I do some googling, again. Maybe success this time, maybe not. But why do I have this terrible need to keep looking to people of my past? What am I clinging to? What am I running from?
This week is a restful break. Don't get me wrong, there is still work to do. But instead of having school, we are just going to do some cleaning and relax a little. Yes, I have the next month or so of school to sketch out, but still, it isn't the intensity of a school week. So, if I am supposed to be relaxing and refocusing, why am I always looking to the past to fix my dark days of the present? I don't know. Maybe I just have unresolved issues. Maybe I am just human and this is the way it is. Maybe I am just so tired I can't think straight (that is probably it, don't you think fellow mommies?).
I am so random in my thoughts. So anxious one minute, so trusting the next. I am not the perfect mom. Most of the time, I doubt I am even a very good one. Grace. I am not wonder woman. I am not a mom of many, as several I know are. Why is that a problem for me? I have four wonderful, beautiful children. Most of the time, I can barely keep my head above water with them, so why would I dream of more. Guilt. Followed by grace - thank you, Lord.
I know, if there is anyone who reads this blog, you are thinking, "wow! she is messed up today!" But that is the point, I am messed up. We are all messed up. Guilt happens. Every time I see a mom of many, especially a pregnant one, enter guilt. You see, we never even thought about consulting God about our family planning. We just did what we wanted. Oh, there were lots of prayers about health and things like that, but never prayers about timing or number. Several of the moms of many I know don't plan on ever using birth control. Personally, I have permanently fixed that issue. Therefore, guilt. Was that the right thing to do? Who knows, but it is too late now! Guilt. Followed by grace, again, thank you Lord.
Guilt is a terrible burden. It makes you sick. Really. Physically. Satan knows that and he knows how susceptible to it I am, therefore, he whispers it in my ear often. The funny thing is, the closer I stay to God, the more I blog about the great things He is teaching me, the more I PRAY, the louder I hear God's voice over those whispers, "you are My beloved, and My grace is sufficient for you - no matter what you do, no matter what you have done, I am there to catch you, because I AM." God is all sufficient, all powerful, all knowing. He knew every mistake I was going to make in my entire life before I was even born, and paid the penalty for them all. Forgave them all. Washed them all clean. Powerful grace. Wonderful mercy. I am not who I should be, but I will be one day.
2 Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. (1 John 3:2, New International Version, ©2011)
So, if you read this blog very often and find I'm not here much. Pray for me, please. It is because Satan is getting in my way, again, and I am doing battle, again.
Blessings.
This week is a restful break. Don't get me wrong, there is still work to do. But instead of having school, we are just going to do some cleaning and relax a little. Yes, I have the next month or so of school to sketch out, but still, it isn't the intensity of a school week. So, if I am supposed to be relaxing and refocusing, why am I always looking to the past to fix my dark days of the present? I don't know. Maybe I just have unresolved issues. Maybe I am just human and this is the way it is. Maybe I am just so tired I can't think straight (that is probably it, don't you think fellow mommies?).
I am so random in my thoughts. So anxious one minute, so trusting the next. I am not the perfect mom. Most of the time, I doubt I am even a very good one. Grace. I am not wonder woman. I am not a mom of many, as several I know are. Why is that a problem for me? I have four wonderful, beautiful children. Most of the time, I can barely keep my head above water with them, so why would I dream of more. Guilt. Followed by grace - thank you, Lord.
I know, if there is anyone who reads this blog, you are thinking, "wow! she is messed up today!" But that is the point, I am messed up. We are all messed up. Guilt happens. Every time I see a mom of many, especially a pregnant one, enter guilt. You see, we never even thought about consulting God about our family planning. We just did what we wanted. Oh, there were lots of prayers about health and things like that, but never prayers about timing or number. Several of the moms of many I know don't plan on ever using birth control. Personally, I have permanently fixed that issue. Therefore, guilt. Was that the right thing to do? Who knows, but it is too late now! Guilt. Followed by grace, again, thank you Lord.
Guilt is a terrible burden. It makes you sick. Really. Physically. Satan knows that and he knows how susceptible to it I am, therefore, he whispers it in my ear often. The funny thing is, the closer I stay to God, the more I blog about the great things He is teaching me, the more I PRAY, the louder I hear God's voice over those whispers, "you are My beloved, and My grace is sufficient for you - no matter what you do, no matter what you have done, I am there to catch you, because I AM." God is all sufficient, all powerful, all knowing. He knew every mistake I was going to make in my entire life before I was even born, and paid the penalty for them all. Forgave them all. Washed them all clean. Powerful grace. Wonderful mercy. I am not who I should be, but I will be one day.
2 Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. (1 John 3:2, New International Version, ©2011)
So, if you read this blog very often and find I'm not here much. Pray for me, please. It is because Satan is getting in my way, again, and I am doing battle, again.
Blessings.
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI completely understand about having guilt come back and haunt you about things. You also completely know that God has forgiven AND forgotten all the sins that you have confessed. He does not condemn us, that is what Satan does. But, I know we women beat ourselves up, especially when we start to compare ourselves (and we know we shouldn't, hence guilt) it is a crazy hamster wheel. A thought struck me once in a study on God's grace and forgiveness. When we have asked for forgiveness, and we know that the Bible tells us that He has forgiven us, and doesn't remember them anymore, and we say we can't forgive ourselves, we are in essence saying we are above His forgiveness. Our feelings are more important than His promise. We don't believe Him. When I read that it was like W.O.W. I certainly wasn't thinking like that! Satan was really playing a literal "head game" with me with guilt. The old Eve line "Did he really mean....?" You are right when the feelings come tell him to get behind you! I will certainly pray for you!