Chip
Today, I am wondering if I shouldn't have called this blog "The Chipped Stone" or something like that. We have been studying a lot about cornerstones and capstones, walls and construction this week. (1 Peter 2)
One thing I have learned, though, is that every stone has its own shape to fit in its perfect place in the wall. It takes a lot of chiseling and smoothing for the stone to be the right shape. Sometimes, I feel like I am being chiseled, cracked, repaired, chiseled, cracked, repaired, over and over again - as I move in the wrong way while the Master Mason is working and cause each crack and chip.
Forgiveness is another thing we talked about. Who do I have trouble forgiving? Me. Plain and simple. Usually I feel like the ultimate screw up. Like everything I do is not only messing me up, but messing up everyone around me and totally dishonoring God. Total surrender is very hard for me. I have been put in positions where I am totally on my own too many times to not rely on myself. Only, that isn't the plan, is it? I can't rely on myself. I am human, I will mess up. I can, however, rely on God. He never messes up. He never lets me down. Do you know how many times a day I have to say "Go away Satan! Leave me alone and stop whispering lies in my ear!"? It seems like a constant battle. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. And I am a Mom, I am always exhausted (did I hear an "Amen!"?). So, while I am weak and down, the demons begin to torture me with all the ways I have messed up in the past. All the ways I mess up now. All the ways I will mess up in the future.
So, I guess what I am learning, is that, while I do mess up, He can fix anything, smooth any crack, make everything OK. I just need to lean on Him. Let me paint a picture of what I mean by that. Have you seen those hiking backpacks that you carry your toddlers around in? Have you ever seen a sleeping toddler on Daddy's back? That is what I mean. Total trust, going everywhere He goes, doing everything He does, leaning on Him for everything. No matter how much the kids won't stop fighting. No matter how many doubts I have about my teaching methods and abilities. No matter how wrong I am, no matter how often. He is trustworthy. He is awesome. And, after all, no matter how much Satan wants to convince me it's about me, it isn't. It's about Him. Only Him.
One thing I have learned, though, is that every stone has its own shape to fit in its perfect place in the wall. It takes a lot of chiseling and smoothing for the stone to be the right shape. Sometimes, I feel like I am being chiseled, cracked, repaired, chiseled, cracked, repaired, over and over again - as I move in the wrong way while the Master Mason is working and cause each crack and chip.
Forgiveness is another thing we talked about. Who do I have trouble forgiving? Me. Plain and simple. Usually I feel like the ultimate screw up. Like everything I do is not only messing me up, but messing up everyone around me and totally dishonoring God. Total surrender is very hard for me. I have been put in positions where I am totally on my own too many times to not rely on myself. Only, that isn't the plan, is it? I can't rely on myself. I am human, I will mess up. I can, however, rely on God. He never messes up. He never lets me down. Do you know how many times a day I have to say "Go away Satan! Leave me alone and stop whispering lies in my ear!"? It seems like a constant battle. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. And I am a Mom, I am always exhausted (did I hear an "Amen!"?). So, while I am weak and down, the demons begin to torture me with all the ways I have messed up in the past. All the ways I mess up now. All the ways I will mess up in the future.
So, I guess what I am learning, is that, while I do mess up, He can fix anything, smooth any crack, make everything OK. I just need to lean on Him. Let me paint a picture of what I mean by that. Have you seen those hiking backpacks that you carry your toddlers around in? Have you ever seen a sleeping toddler on Daddy's back? That is what I mean. Total trust, going everywhere He goes, doing everything He does, leaning on Him for everything. No matter how much the kids won't stop fighting. No matter how many doubts I have about my teaching methods and abilities. No matter how wrong I am, no matter how often. He is trustworthy. He is awesome. And, after all, no matter how much Satan wants to convince me it's about me, it isn't. It's about Him. Only Him.
Comments
Post a Comment